或許是深夜的影響吧？讀著一些文章，聽著音樂，心中有些東西似乎散去了。
時間總是不等人的，恢復與否還是得看自己。我呢？我選擇讓自己忙碌，忙碌到無暇去難過。然後在經歷過不少事後，走到了現在這一步。
這段期間內，我時不時會被回憶衝擊。發生的當下也只能裝沒事，同時控制好自己的情緒，以防陷入莫名低落，但充其量也只是表面功夫罷了。
不過也沒關係了。
能在今年結束前，放下一些事情與情緒，我想也是種幸運。
真的，不用再回頭了。
感謝自己能走到現在這一步，沒有因為低落而打敗自己。
感謝發生過的曾經，讓我走上了我該走的路。
雖然還是不想跟某些人事物扯上關係，但也只是因為看清了某些事。對於這點，我也抱持著感謝。
好了，繼續前進吧。
This has always been an issue of mine.
Completely unrelated to forgiving or understanding oneself, this is the process of finding the calmness and going-with-the-flow within myself.
The emotions I have, the thoughts that go through my head, and the constant self-doubt I have, I struggle with it every single day.
Sometimes I wake up without a single care in the world, but as soon as I start doing things, my mind and emotions get the better of me. It applies to everything in my life, and I always end up asking myself: Am I any good?
Am I getting better? Am I going somewhere? Am I making progress? Am I on the right path? Am I doing the right things? Am I making the right choice?
These questions never leave my head, and if the demons get out of control, I just end up stopping. I stand in place, because what I have now is safe and sound. I may not be able to hold on to what I have now. But at the same time, I tell myself there’s nothing to lose. Just because I can’t do it now doesn’t mean I lose what I have gained. And these voices constantly fight with each other. Because of this, sometimes I go overboard, sometimes I’m too reserved, and sometimes I just end up making no changes. The battle seems to never end.
“The greatest battle is always with oneself." This is something that has been proven time and time again, especially in my case. You surpass the current you, and then you aim to surpass the new you. But at the same time, I’m holding myself back in every aspect mentally. This puts my emotions in extreme turmoil, and it’s just hard to deal with.
I don’t know how I get through it all, but the things I do definitely play a major part in it. I’m glad that I have these things to get me through, or at least provide a distraction when things get too hard to bear. But in the end, it’s not a permanent solution, it’s just a pain reliever.
The message “Love Yourself" has been popular for quite some time, and I’m not doubting the words, not one bit. However, how does one love themselves when they know all the shit they’ve done and all the mistakes they’ve made. It’s not a question of “Who you are", it’s about “What you did". Of course, it doesn’t define you as a person, but it is a record of how horrible you can be as a person. And it’s like a criminal record, with you being the person keeping that rap sheet.
I guess it somewhat comes back to the issue of forgiving yourself, but the case with me is: I’m so afraid I’ll do it again unwittingly, or simply just do it for my own gain. On one hand, I’m afraid to hurt someone, but on the other hand, I would love nothing more than to destroy some people’s lives. I hold grudges, and I hold it hard. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it, but if someone I hold a grudge to is having a crisis other than dying, I would literally watch on the side and not do a thing.
So in the end, how could/should I come to terms with all the demons inside? How do I love myself when I’m so afraid of my potential to do wrong to others? How do I make peace with myself?
Honestly, I have no idea. It’s a long and hard process, and there is never a day that goes by without me telling myself: You’re not good enough.
At the very least, right now it’s changed to: You’re not good enough yet. I don’t know how much longer it’ll take for me to get there, and since I have stupidly unreasonable standards, it might take forever to get past certain stages.
See all this? I have to deal with all this. Sometimes I think I might even be mentally ill, but I don’t know. There are definitely some days I would wish I’d never wake up, though. In a way, that would be a big blessing. At the same time, I don’t want to just “get by" each day, because it’d be such a waste.
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
終於決定把我們之間的電子記錄全部清除。
清掉時，我沒有一點不捨。不是因為我恨妳，而是因為知道，我不該再繼續留著妳的影子了。
我們沒有在一起，相處的時間也十分短暫。可是在那短暫的時間內，我曾經很幸福。
雖然因為自己的不成熟而傷害了妳，進而親手搞砸了未來的可能性。但事後我仍然幼稚的想抓住跟妳之間的回憶，以為這樣就會有可能再次等到妳。
不過妳不會回來了。
我全心的愛著妳，在我心上留下深刻的痕跡。現在要放下這一切，對於巨蟹座的我來說，是多麼的困難。尤其是當分開的記憶仍舊清晰，美好的記憶則更是如此。
所以我狠下了心，不給自己留任何餘地。刪了就是刪了，不會再回來，如同我們消逝於時間中的情感般。
但是妳給我的卡片我還是留著，只是會埋在我櫃子深處的舊鞋盒裡，作為回憶保存著。等到某天，當我真正找到一輩子的幸福時，會再扔了吧。
至於腦中的回憶，就讓它慢慢變成養分，滋潤著我的成長，讓我能夠更好。
謝謝妳給的一切，現在我要狠心放下妳的一切，然後頭也不回的繼續往前走。
-寫於2016年2月25號
最近決定把之前寫的文章翻出來發表，是因為自己終於可以豁達的面對那些過往，而不再陷入那些情緒裡。
不會難過是騙人的，但這些難過再也無法束縛自己前進。於是我再次翻開過往，正視自己的傷口。
不論多久，終究會再次前進的，就像現在的我一樣。
這大概會是一篇充斥胡言亂語的網誌。
最近一直試圖讓自己忙碌，去掩埋因生活而造成的煩躁與擔憂。
表面上，可能看起來是快樂的吧。
事實上也不是不快樂，但也不是只有快樂。
原本以為會有後續的工作就這樣沒了音訊，接下來的日子就一直在找工作度過中。不斷的找尋機會，發佈消息及投遞履歷。然後可能獲得一個面試的機會，以為這次會不一樣。
事實證明，絕對不會是如此。
雖然確實多了一個新的機會，但這個機會也才剛起步，還得看接下來的發展才能定論。而這最需要的就是時間。
時間啊，我正是缺時間呢。
有時候跟幾個朋友聊天，他們會覺得我有膽量去追求我的夢想，是一件很了不起的事。或許聽起來很棒，可是真正的挑戰，是心理壓力。
每天睡到自然醒，是很多人夢寐以求的事。但我卻是因為晚上又睡又醒，然後白天沒有工作，才能如此過生活。至於為何又醒又睡，當然就是因為擔心找不到工作。於是就這樣，形成了一個循環。
醒來吃過飯後，我通常就得坐在電腦前，開始搜尋工作空缺。一頁又一頁的求職網頁，一則又一則的徵才佈告，看得我心裡都煩躁。
幸運的話，我會看到幾個我能做的工作，或是我有興趣的工作。我會投個履歷，打出一篇誠懇的電子郵件，然後寄出。接下來就是拜託老天爺給我個機會。
到了這時，我也差不多到了極限。根據日子的不同，我會出門去練舞或參加彈唱表演，以紓解一下煩躁的心情。這也是個跟朋友聚一聚的好機會。至少在那時，我不用擔心太多。
回到家後，再繼續看一下求職網站，有辦法的話再投個履歷。最後給自己一點時間聽聽音樂，或許再練一下琴，就得洗洗睡了。一切如此週而復始，等待著。
有時候會覺得，要是自己當初選擇一個技能性專業，例如會計或電子工程之類的科系，是否就不會需要擔憂這麼多？我就會有穩定收入，然後一點都不用擔心經濟問題。
不過，就算有了那樣的工作，可能還是會有煩惱。畢竟，we always see what we don’t have。更不用說我完全無法對這類工作提起任何熱情。
追尋夢想？嗯，聽起來很酷，很有自我。
實際上呢？真他媽的有壓力。
做任何事都很累，所以千萬別以為這樣的我就完全不會累。
It’s been about two months since I wrote here.
Life has been good for me, and I’m glad it’s working out this way.
I found a job right after finishing school, and it could potentially turn into a permanent job. But even right now, going to China on an all-expense paid trip is pretty cool.
I started taking hustle dance classes more seriously. The first time I took it, I kinda got discouraged. But now I can do a few proper moves and enjoy myself in the dance, adding a new dance to my repertoire. Also got to meet more people and make new friends, which is always a bonus.
My first job paid pretty well, which means finally having money to get together with friends and enjoy some time out, and you know it’s always good to kick it with friends.
Being able to start doing open mics on a more consistant basis is just great, and I’m constantly reminded of why I started doing it in the first place.
My dance club training is coming to an end. The past 9 months has been an amazing journey, and I know it doesn’t end here. Right now, I’m just psyched to see my results at dance battles this year.
Finally set foot in a swimming pool for the first time in seven years. It’s kind of hard to believe that my car accident happened almost ten years ago. Yet after so long, the pool still felt like home. It was like welcoming an old friend back into my life.
I know it seems like a list, but it’s also a measure of how far I’ve come.
Earlier this year, I was at rock bottom emotionally, and I felt like nothing would get better. I hated myself for what I did, and got extremely depressed. For a few weeks, I had to fake my appearance, and pretended I had a drive to push myself.
I managed to get better, and the wounds healed with time. In reality, all we ever needed was time, but the process of getting there seemed to take forever. Somehow school managed to get me through each day, providing me with a purpose and a goal.
As the world brightened up, my interests sparked again, and I found myself being as active as I can. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy sitting at home, watching netflix or strumming my guitar, it’s that there are so many things that I wanted to do, and I felt like I had to do them. Naturally I got busy, and got to improve myself through all this activity.
There are still moments when my mind races back to those memories, the choices I made and the things I did. And I still wonder: Why? Fortunately, I don’t dwell on it anymore, at least not to the point where I’m unable to function. Thank god I didn’t.
Things come in good and bad, and I’m glad I held on to the good before it got away, while keeping the bad at bay. Now I’m just enjoying my life, and working towards my goals and dreams.
Baby steps lead to big strides. At least I know I’m headed in the right direction.
Hey, how are you?
The most cliche opening ever, right?
But I feel that sometimes the most cliche lines are the most genuine ones, don’t you?
Of course you’d agree, you’re me.
Recently, you re-covered a song you first did three years ago. Back then, you were almost 23, just somewhat recovered from a horrible heartbreak. You felt betrayed, lost, angry, and disappointed.
You shifted a lot of focus onto music, just so all of your feelings have an exit. You don’t like to be depressed, despite it being part of your emotional nature. So you try hard to be happy.
Three years later, so many things have happened to you, both good and bad.
The same song that you started out with became one of your signature covers, after singing it for the millionth time (roll eyes). You became a street dancer, performed at open mics, met new people, acted in multiple short videos and short films, and fell in love.
But you also experienced heartbreak, loss of family, disappointments, and (non-clinical) depression. You’ve also made stupid mistakes, hurt people, and let people down as well. Life isn’t all sweets and roses, obviously.
Still, you’ve made it past everything, you’ve learned to embrace the bad and cherish the good, and you’re working to become a better version of you every day, little by little.
You might not have done everything right, and you still have a lot to improve on, but you’re working on it, and that’s what matters.
Your New Year’s Resolution was to become better every day, I guess you’re not doing too bad, huh?
Keep it up, and hopefully three years later, you’ll be singing something new, maybe something you wrote yourself!
Remember, there’s still so much ahead of you, so don’t stand in one place for too long. Keep moving forward, and Godspeed.
Best of luck,
Albert
我想，我們一輩子都不會是聖人。
即使我不信教，但佛教講的七情六慾，我是相信的。這些情感，讓我們能體會不同的事情，但也同時會讓我們受傷。畢竟，有好就會有壞，像是一把雙刃劍，使用不當就會傷到自己，也傷到別人。
我不覺得兩個相愛的人會刻意傷害彼此，至少我知道我從來不是刻意的。可我總是因為自己的負面情緒或尖銳的言語，而傷到自己在乎的人。雖然事後我會認真道歉並想辦法彌補，但傷害已經造成，留下了痕跡。即使傷口會隨著時間恢復，傷痕也不會消失，不斷提醒著自己曾經的行為。
這種時候，尤其覺得自己很差勁。就算是無意，但終究是傷害了自己愛的人。
記得電影「派特的幸福劇本」中，有著這麼一句話：只有那些接受你最差一面的人，才值得擁有最好的你。我多希望能如此，有個人願意接受我的壞。
並不是說我會一直用這個當傷害的理由，也不是說我不會靠自己變好。而是希望當我低潮的時候，能有個人拉起雙膝跪地的我，讓我再次站起，變得更好。而我變得更好後，也能把我的好回饋給對方。
我是個有缺點的人，也總是在成長著。可是正因為妳接納了我，所以我把最好的自己給妳，因為妳也值得擁有我的好。
其實我們在這方面，都沒有選擇的權利，不是嗎？
感情來了，誰都擋不住。即使自己知道是錯愛，或是對方傷了自己，還是無法停止愛對方。正因為愛，所以才包容，才接受對方的壞。就算搞得自己遍體鱗傷，也還是奮不顧身的跳入這一切。
但自己怎麼可能不清楚呢？這一切在別人的眼中看起來是多麼的荒謬。朋友的好言相勸或是劈頭大罵，自己其實也都心知肚明不是嗎？
可是心還是停在原地。
生活的一切可以回到正軌，甚至可以繼續前進著。唯獨自己的心，心裡還是無法清出空間來。就算知道該把感情清掉，記憶封存好，可是該怎麼清掉這些曾經對自己很重要的東西？
刻意的不去想，反而更常想到。忙碌的生活也終有喘息的時候，更不用提夢境了，這更是躲不掉。從分開的第一天開始，就註定了自己每一天都得跟情緒搏鬥著，度過漫長的時光，而這一切結束的日子卻無從得知。
在那一天到來之前，我只能繼續當個傻子，一個愛情中的傻子。
能愛多久呢？我不知道。反正就愛到不再愛為止吧。
如果老天註定要我愛妳一輩子，那我也認了。
記得2014年暑假時，看到羅賓‧威廉斯因憂鬱症而自殺的消息。當下的反應真的有如晴天霹靂，畢竟他是我很喜歡的男演員之一。
其實我知道他有憂鬱症（拜維基百科所賜），只是絕對無法從他在電影中的演出看出來。他的能量永遠都是那麼的高昂且豐沛，展現出來的多種面相及幽默感也是數一數二的。可是在那笑容的背後，卻是如此沈重的陰霾。
大學念戲劇時學習與體會到，原來喜劇的背後有著悲哀作底。最淺的一層就是：我們看喜劇，有部分是在嘲笑別人的悲哀。隨著學習的過程，也漸漸的能看見更深的東西（雖然自己還差得遠），不過這就留到以後再談吧。
很多時候，我們都試著堅強，承擔著一些情緒。但實際上，我們卻總是拿捏不好自己的極限。等到承受不住時，又已經太遲。到那時候，傷害已經造成，然後後果就隨即而來。而這份後果，我們卻往往不能負荷。
承認自己脆弱不是弱小的表現，反而是種勇氣。只是不曉得為什麼，我們都無法直率的坦承這一面，也不太能接受別人有著這種落差。我們甚至會覺得對方變了，或是跟想像中不一樣。事實上，那只是自己沒看過的一面罷了。也許正因為如此，我們才有所保留，害怕自己的那一面會逼走別人。
或許我們該做的，是學會接納。接納自己的脆弱，也接納別人的，因為只有這樣，我們才能真的了解，進而真正的愛並尊重彼此。
This is a phase I wish I could skip, every time.
It’s always been difficult for me to achieve closure or to let go of certain things, especially in terms of relationships. You’d think that someone in their mid-twenties should be able to handle it, but the reality of it is I can’t, at least not yet.
Talking the talk is easy, but when we need to walk the walk, we usually end up taking the wrong steps and stumble. Letting go isn’t easy, period. People can say all they want, but when it’s actually your “turn” to let go of something/someone you care immensely for, it’s the hardest thing in the world.
This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible; it’s just really difficult. And it’s supposed to be; otherwise it’s not as important as you think. All we can do is take one step at a time, and hope for the best.
I know this is the hardest part, and there’s no other way around it. But emotional clarity will come; it’s just a matter of time.
Summer Pine in Vancouver 溫哥華的夏松 